Forayed

December 26th, 2008 by tanyatuble

His leaving was never a relief. In spite of the things and the moments that were restrained because of his presence, in spite of my overwhelming cry for freedom — his flight crushed my heart into tiny, hurting fragments. The pain was overwhelming.

I don’t know where else to go now. I followed my head and it led me here - nowhere.  Nowehere near that happiness I’ve imagined. My head could be selfish most times, and this is where it left me.

And the worst part of it all was when he said goodbye as if he somehow anticipated these things happening. It was as though he had been right from the start about me and where it will lead us. Yet, he was unselfish enough to tolerate everyhting that I do for the sake of sparing me the pain of my errors.  And that’s just really unbearable.

Not a Bradshaw for me, thanks!

August 14th, 2008 by tanyatuble

I don’t like Sex and the City sometimes. Sometimes I find it too explicit when it comes to sex and language. And that’s about it. Because I certainly love Bradshaw and her apartment, her fantabulous career (who doesn’t want a work that requires your thoughts on print?!), I love the shoes (Oh God I love,love, love the shoes!) And believe me, I’d trade lots of things for Choos and Manolos! I certainly love the way that she rationalizes her misjudgments (we don’t wanna end up harping our past mistakes cuz it won’t get us nowhere!) And yeah, I love New York! (the only sane(?) place in America).

It was all about reflection. At the end of the day, we would always want to ask ourselves what we learned on that day and what can we do to make the succeeding days better. And perhaps, to lessen the stress we are in. Everything is just so fast-paced. Be it fashion or relationships. And we get hurt as soon as we end something we barely started. We don’t even think sometimes, I think. We decide on an impulse and we think with our emotions (I think that’s healthy though, psychologically speaking). And sometimes we want to think and perhaps pay attention to those important things but we were forced to neglect them over some bottles of booze. Oooh, unhealthy you and me!

More importantly, I like that little show as it depicts women’s struggle towards social balance. And by that I did not necessarily mean that these girls in the show having multiple partners or them being girls who are sexually revolutionized but simply these girls were just actually doing what men have been doing for the last centuries (which is regarded acceptable by this society). Not for women anyway.

And I came across some really interesting realizations.
Hodgepodge this.:)

The Man of Today and The Women We Are (Thanks to that book Mardev)

On jerks and assholes
*There are now two classes of women as seen by our men; the good to be loved, but not touched; and the bad to be touched, not loved.

*Do you know that when a woman is degraded to the position of a sexual object of the male, her self-image is being corrupted?

*Many men proclaim they would like to see women sexually awakened and free to indulge in behavior in which today brings forth great condemnation. But what they really mean is that they would like to see more loose women around for them to exploit.

*Men often want to use these women and discard them. They would not see these women as fit wives. They do not want the double standard relaxed; they actually seek to have it reinforced.

This world must still make long strides toward the emancipation of women. Such emancipation will not exist until a female has the right to choose to have lovers as a man so chooses, and until she lives in a group that does not inflict upon her the notion that she is a fallen woman when she loves freely. When sexually alive women are accepted and are not considered oversexed trollops, much of the anguish will be relieved. This will be a great stride toward implementing the progress made in the last century in regard to economic and political liberation of woman.

So hail to it, Bradshaw!

Una Cancion Desesperada

April 6th, 2008 by tanyatuble

The memory of you emerges from the night around me.
The river mingles its stubborn lament with the sea.

Deserted like the dwarves at dawn.
It is the hour of departure, oh deserted one!

Cold flower heads are raining over my heart.
Oh pit of debris, fierce cave of the shipwrecked.

In you the wars and the flights accumulated.
From you the wings of the song birds rose.

You swallowed everything, like distance.
Like the sea, like time. In you everything sank!

It was the happy hour of assault and the kiss.
The hour of the spell that blazed like a lighthouse.

Pilot’s dread, fury of blind driver,
turbulent drunkenness of love, in you everything sank!

In the childhood of mist my soul, winged and wounded.
Lost discoverer, in you everything sank!

You girdled sorrow, you clung to desire,
sadness stunned you, in you everything sank!

I made the wall of shadow draw back,
beyond desire and act, I walked on.

Oh flesh, my own flesh, man whom I loved and lost,
I summon you in the moist hour, I raise my song to you.

Like a jar you housed infinite tenderness.
and the infinite oblivion shattered you like a jar.

There was the black solitude of the islands,
and there, man of love, your arms took me in.

There was thirst and hunger, and you were the fruit.
There were grief and ruins, and you were the miracle.

Ah man, I do not know how you could contain me
in the earth of your soul, in the cross of your arms!

How terrible and brief my desire was to you!
How difficult and drunken, how tensed and avid.

Cemetery of kisses, there is still fire in your tombs,
still the fruited boughs burn, pecked at by birds.

Oh the bitten mouth, oh the kissed limbs,
oh the hungering teeth, oh the entwined bodies.

Oh the mad coupling of hope and force
in which we merged and despaired.

And the tenderness, light as water and as flour.
And the word scarcely begun on the lips.

This was my destiny and in it was my voyage of my longing,
and in it my longing fell, in you everything sank!

Oh pit of debris, everything fell into you,
what sorrow did you not express, in what sorrow are you not drowned!

From billow to billow you still called and sang.
Standing like a sailor in the prow of a vessel.

You still flowered in songs, you still brike the currents.
Oh pit of debris, open and bitter well.

Pale blind diver, luckless slinger,
lost discoverer, in you everything sank!

It is the hour of departure, the hard cold hour
which the night fastens to all the timetables.

The rustling belt of the sea girdles the shore.
Cold stars heave up, black birds migrate.

Deserted like the wharves at dawn.
Only tremulous shadow twists in my hands.

Oh farther than everything. Oh farther than everything.

It is the hour of departure. Oh abandoned one!

I am not living it up! (Or so as my friends would say)

April 6th, 2008 by tanyatuble

"I always have a comment whenever things happen to you, this time, I don’t want to react. I just don’t want to."

Harsh harsh harsh. But Ice wasnt really harsh when these words were spoken out. I just can’t accept the fact that she refused to react when I fervently wished she would. I know she would say I mishandled the situation and things got out of control when I should just have shrugged it off and walked away. Or probably some cold shoulders would better suit me, moving forward. I am being degraded or much less downgraded to something that wouldnt be me in a million years.

"Be rude. As in be rude." Nissi’s words naman… Bestie has sometimes the best words for me. And I can’t. I really want to be rude when the situation calls for it, but I just freakin can’t. In times, I’d love to gather my energy and really concentrate my anger to achieve the desired emotion but at the end, I would just mellow down and breathe it out. I’ve never been so angry as far I can remember. Frustrated and perhaps annoyed for a few times, but never angry. And people around me thinks I am insensitive. I know that. I think that is also the reason why some people would love to try pushing me to test my emotions. And I just hoped they would stop because I just refuse to waste my energy for some unpleasant emotion.

But right now, I am misconstrued and twisted. And I can be the most unpleasant standoffish person. And I am enjoying every moment of it.:)

To You–My Vain One!

March 6th, 2008 by tanyatuble

Lately I’ve been having these weird dreams. Two days ago I dreamt of my cousin Aileen and me, kissing. Oh heavens, it’s so weird. Lol. We love to kiss each other when we were younger. And this morning, I wake up having this dream on the beach. Well, technically it aint the shore. But I was like water skiing, while being pulled by a really fast boat, and headless sharks were flying in my direction (giving me the goosebumps of weirdosity!). So there, and there was MJ from work, and some of my friends and neighbors i think were on the dream too. At the middle of the ocean was like a floating prison and I discovered a little girl and I tried to free her. Then she said, I don’t need to be free. I dont want your world. You can keep your world to yourslef, let me be!

And I was like crying in my dream because the girl who was in prison was happier than I am. And though it may seem that I was the one with freedom, it was the other way around. And I jumped to the sea and swam as far as I can from the little girl and she was shouting that no matter how fast I swim the sharks would get me.

And I stopped swimming for no reason. I let myself float in the water. There. I just stopped. And people were calling my name. And to my mind, they were saying a strange name. Tanya. What a stange name to be called! I wish I was named Sari. Hah!

Then the voices stopped. And I woke up. It was 7am.:)

Who the hell are you?!

March 2nd, 2008 by tanyatuble

I was surprised myself not to have spotted the rotten tomato in my basket. And now, that rotten tomato is taking over the rest of my tomatoes to their ruin. And I just can’t let that happen.

Firstly, Im so damned tired of all the bullshit I hear.  Life is already that depressing and here I am associating myself with a cynic who can’t accept the fact that you can get momentary happiness from this superficial life. Superficial? Indeed, but you at least had fun. What a blabbermouth, proclaiming they have better use of their time when all they do is roast their sorry asses on the couch, watching depressing stuff.

If you picture your life on the pedestal and that made you abhor the good things other people enjoy, dont be such a freaking judgmental and just try being busy with your boring life. Live your life the way you want to, dont believe in whatever, and don’t even try to figure out why people act the way they do whenever you’re around because you can never, ever understand it. All I can say is I wasted my time on you. Really. And I can’t believe I wasnt able to see through you.

So there. F*** you. We can still pretend we are friends. And I’ll be your friend. Maybe in the next life when you are an ant and I, a god.

Aww, how i hate catfights!

March 2nd, 2008 by tanyatuble

I’ve at least typed in some bunch of words and deleted them for at least 11 times now. It just became harder for me to choose an emotion or a thought as I have plenty of stuff to wanna write down. Or maybe my mind is just acting up, lol. There’s so much to tell though. Like women. And how crafty and emotional they could be. Like men. And how insensitive and clueless they are. Like work. And how disappointing it is to go to work at 1am. Shoot.

***

I met somebody. And I really think I like him. This time around I feel sure that I do like him. And I am definitely sure that Im sure about it. haha. Now I’m all dreamy, like Mcdreamy, but call me Mcmushy. Yikes! lol. Really. Or not! Cuz I was never sure that I’m sure about anything, that is!

****

I miss Rona. And the rest of ‘em. The guys are all working in the morning, and I got unlucky that I have to wotk the midnight shift for a month. It’s gonna be really hard now. With sleep and diet and all that jazz. *Sigh.

****

I want to watch Juno, Vantage Point, and Atonement real soon.

Dozing Off

January 24th, 2008 by tanyatuble

I did it. Just reviewed my past mistakes. And I was mean. Gosh, super super mean. I was just glad that i’m over that stage now, cuz I can no longer afford to be as mean and uncaring now…

In restrospect, I was so insensitive and just plain indifferent about people and everything else. I never wanted school, never wanted a career, never wanted a successful life. And what I used to really want was to live in the shadows, unnoticed and unpaid with any attention. As Leo was saying like months ago, no matter how I try keeping mum or how I try to pass by silently, I would always demand attention even without me wanting it. Oh well.

Have to run.. will continue this post in a jiffy.hehe

Closet Cleaning!

January 11th, 2008 by tanyatuble

Have to:
*make peace with myself for not being the Tanya I hoped I’d be..
*find him! lol. or her. haha.
*let go of my baggages, meaning, try accepting what is not and pursue whatever it is I wanted to become..
*let go of all the worries and negativity
*let go of any unwanted relationships[kuno] lol
*let go of the things thats pulling me down. be like Agnes in Kundera’s immortality… [I wish to be her! a character in a book that is! lol]
*let go of people who will be better off without me; grant them freedom, no hard feelings:)
*let go of the things that I have but doesnt need. It’s time that I let go of what I used to want but will not benefit me in the long run
*let go of the bitch inside me, whatever that means
*let go of some opportunities. you cant always have the best of both worlds.. you cant have everything, learn to accept the things that will not work
*let go of the ties that bond me to mediocrity
*let go of convergys, against all odds… its time that i pursue something that will feed my sould and not only my stomach

and i should learn how to feed my heart too.

oh yes.

let go. clean up. :)

Cleaning my Closet - Prologue

January 11th, 2008 by tanyatuble

Will, shall, must — clean out my closet. That means, some phone calls to make, meet up a few people, change of career, change of lifestyle.. the change of all changes.

That means, I will be brand new this Feb 8, and I’ll take my life in a dashing manner with the bliss and all that jazz!

Am excited!